Oops, I did it again!
I failed this week, it’s not the first time, and I don’t think it will be my last.
I let myself get in the way of just being present with someone who was asking for my help.
Empathy should be one of the simplest things to express, but it is so hard not to move into problem-solving or advising, especially if you feel that you are being criticized or judged. Sitting with someone you love who is experiencing emotional pain and discomfort and allowing their emotions to take over without trying to stop, correct or fix them is hard. Just sitting, feeling and acknowledging the overwhelm at their side is the core of expressing empathy and for those of us in leadership roles, and as parents, it can be so hard to just be present and acknowledge how others are feeling.
For me, it is a scenario where I take notice of how my body becomes tense, from the inside out, my facial expressions unknowingly and uncontrollably reveal my inner struggle and my brain starts to conjure up the possible solutions to fixing the issues. These are the physical and mental changes taking hold of me and warping my perspective and emotional response.
But I know it’s not just me. I witness parents watch their kids struggle at school, academically and in social situations. They unconsciously rely on the default setting to mend and protect their young to cope with their own pain and anxiety. There are countless books, blogs and websites extolling the virtues of allowing kids to struggle with the aim of building their resilience and inner strength. Standing by and watching it unravel, is something else entirely. It takes more intention and conscious self-control to be present, to be a support and in turn really listen to what is even at the heart of the problem.
Photo by Polina Zimmerman from Pexels
Correcting when I should be comforting
Someone very close to me was hurting recently, I just wanted to wrap him in my arms and take him away from the pain. I wanted to mend him, so he didn’t hurt anymore. That sounds like it should be hard, but not for me. I can handle this, I know what he needs, and I can provide it for him—if only he will let me. How silly of him not to do what I say, answer my endless questions about what he needs, or listen to how I can help change things for him. I know I am right. And I know how to remedy this.
I also know that stepping in to solve the problem compounds things and can escalate an already fragile and emotionally charged event – in turn, I become part of the problem.
So why is just being present so very hard to do?
When we are emotionally connected to someone and they behave in a way that makes us feel uncomfortable or distressed, the default “go-to” reaction is to become protective and in turn defensive while expressing our own feelings and perspectives about the situation. We try to correct it and explain why it could be better if only they listened and took our advice.
Try this instead:
In fact, a great starting place is to take a step back and say – it’s not about me – even though I may feel I am the target of the attack or am in a position to change things. It’s not about me. The person in front of me is suffering and needs something very different at this moment. They need me to respond to the anger and frustration they are experiencing, with deep compassion and understanding.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, here are some effective ways to help:
Acknowledge their pain without judging them, their feelings or thoughts
Don’t take it personally allowing for empathy and compassion to be the dominant feelings
Sit together in silence for as long as is needed, just be present with them
Stay close by and just breathe slowly together, calming the stress responses
Offer to take a walk outdoors and stay quiet, nature trails can give a boost to feelings of well being
Create space. Literally, don’t crowd them unless they ask, give them space without words to access what they are feeling.
Wait until they are ready to speak or ask for what they need.
Own and be accountable for your part of the struggle.
Trust me, eventually, they will open up and talk to you -- grateful for your presence.